Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
