i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
