I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
