every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i was born a porn star she said
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
