i just had sex bonerless
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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