someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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