Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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