Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
