just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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