If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
