when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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