Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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