I faked an abortion last night.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
