fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
