Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
