How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
