If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
