i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
