I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
