we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
sarcasm needs its own font
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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