Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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