So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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