I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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