So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
