All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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