life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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