Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
