The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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