i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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