I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
We smell like vodka and hangover
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