By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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