Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
