party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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