I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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