If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
