Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
