my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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