The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
