mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
