so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
