There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
