I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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