Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
