What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
