Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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