Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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