Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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