can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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