Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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