i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
