All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
